i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
