So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
