dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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