Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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