So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
