his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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