I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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