Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Randomize
