Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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