Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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