I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
