In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize