I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
