Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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