ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
