8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
