Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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