I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
