My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
