I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
