Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize