we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
