why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
