I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
