I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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