I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
