Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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