In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize