His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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