I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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