Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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