does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
