Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
