Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
