i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
