You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
