I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
