shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm experimenting with sincerity
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
