goodnight i made you a song goodbye
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
