My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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