and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
