It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
