I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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