well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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