I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
