Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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