so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
