walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
