highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
