he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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