he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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