Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize