she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
