Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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