woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
