You can't special order awesome
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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