I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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