Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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