No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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