Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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