Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize