So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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