I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
